<Rassilon enters the chambers and sits in the plaintiffs chair...The judge enters and calls the court to order and asks Luke to make his opening arguement.>Thank you, your honor...Now, I charge that certain members of my graduating class have been passing forbidden knowledge among themselves and should be given the fullest punishment of the law for partaking of forbidden fruits...<The jury, which is made up of nothing but Luke's evil robot army cheers and hold of various impliments of torture...Rassilon motions for silence...> Now I was going to tell them of my page when I was done, but somehow, <Rassilon eyes a couple people in the defendents' bench> the information got passed before all was in readiness. This has horribly damaged my plans for taking over society...I demand reperations...and their heads!!! <Jury: cheers, hoots and howls. Rassilon returns to his chair.>
<The prosecution calls it's first witness, Mr. Robert Hamrer...>
The Graveyard Symphony begins earily playing on a chilly duet of harpsachord and harmonica. the doors to the court blast open and an uncomfortably hot wind blows through. a sillouette is seen standing in this doorway. his large white cape billows in the wind, slithering about the rest of his body entirely outfitted in black. he pulls his long hair back out of his eyes and speaks with a voice that makes everyone save Lord Rassilon tremble.
"you! all of you! none of you shall leave this courtroom the same. the calculus pretest you were forced to take while sitting in the lobby has proved that only mr. hamre and mr. berryman have gained entranced into my army."
at this point hamre and berryman are levitated high above the courtroom and an incredable blast of dark unshines on them. they drop to the ground surging with the energy of the dark/hot side of the force. their eyes are as white as typing paper and yellow integral signs cut through their forheads as the ultimate symbol of power.
"welcome to my empire. mr. berryman: ambassador over the death/dieing of the filthy rich. mr. hamre: marquis of all physical contact sports (except professional wrestling which i reserve all rights to). the rest of you meddling kids, and that dog, are going to have to face justice under the trial. and being as the only government that our good Justice Lord Rassilon knows was taught to him courtesy of mr. perry, this should be a short and guilty verdict. if it pleases the court, i, overlord caleb of the calebian empire, wish to take the stand first, while my loyal minion mr. hamre adjusts to his newly found powers of limits and integration."
Rassilon wanders to his chair and looks at his list...then permits Caleb to take the stand first so that Mr. Hamre will have time to recouperate, but just as Caleb floats down, Shawna Scott cries out: "I'm guilty Amy Langford emailed me and told me about the webpage and after I looked at it I emailed a bunch of people and told them about it." Rassilon's accusing eyes dart to Shawna and then to the Jury, who are happily waving more instruments of torture...Rassilon makes a note to have Shawna be next on the witness stand...
The Bailiff averts his eyes to protect them from the unlight as he approaches Caleb to swear him in..."Do you swear to tell the hole truth...yada, yada, yada?"...Caleb responds, "I can't say I'll try, but I'll try to try."
Judge Lord Rassilon looks down to Overlord Caleb and asks him to proceed.
"Well, first," Overlord Caleb decrees, "I demand that Miss Shawna Scott's plee of guilt be stricken from the record."
"On what grounds?" asks Rassilon.
"She was not sworn in," explains Caleb, "not to mention, she is not guilty. She falsely confessed in order to evade the death threats given by her guilty classmates."
"A conspiracy?" smiles Rassilon.
The robotic jurors cheer.
"Yes," states Caleb, "and as with all conspiracies, it somehow targets me."
"Interesting." said Rassilon.
"Your honor, with your permission, I would like to throw out wild accusations and a few outright lies." states Caleb.
"Certainly." smiles Rassilon.
"Firstly, since any conspiracy involves at least five members," states Caleb "we must try to decifer who the masterminds behind this anti-calebian plot."
"And who would ever want to hurt you." asked Rassilon.
"Well, firstly I accuse Leah St.Clair!" grits Caleb "and Jenny Hopwood."
Gasps throughout the rather long defendants bench of people.
"Furthermore," continues Caleb as his eyes glaze over and he loses touch with reality "I accuse Nicole Jones, just because she is sitting between Ms St.Clair and Ms Hopwood."
"Now that's it!" screams Teresa Johnston. "None of them ever did anything. I refuse to believe Leah is out to get her friends. Leah is a sweetheart."
"Sit down Teresa." booms Rassilon "You shall wait your turn to testitify."
"Thank you Rassilon" said Caleb "I would like to further accuse Teresa Johnston. And for a fifth person, hmmm, Mr Short. Yeah, that's it. Mr Short. He is, in fact, Adolf Hitler reincarnated."
"Now that is just a little absurd don't you think?" asks Jessica Totten.
"Not at all." stated Caleb "Just look at the mustache."
"Okay Caleb" Rassilon responds "You have made your accusations. Now please refrain from changing tense again."
Caleb will say "Whatever are you talking about"
"Okay Caleb," Rassilon nods "you will be excused for now so that others may testify, but as you best represent the defendants, I would like you to retake the stand after each testimony."
"Mr. Hamre, I believe you've had enough time to deal with your new found powers, please take the stand so we may begin."
Robert takes the stand as asked while the jury, who are getting restless and want to watch Dawson's Creek, try to sneak out of the court room. Rassilon however notices his robots are trying to sneak away and hits one of the controls on his universal remote. Suddenly a TV on the other side of the room comes on. Rassilon quickly turns the TV off and switches the remote to Evil Robot Army mode and returns them to the jury box.
The Baliff swears Hamre in and Rassilon runs down the stairs and stands in front of the witness stand.
"Now, Mr. Robert Hamre," he begins, "is it true that you asked me for the address of my page about the members of our class?"
Robert, who is on a bit of a power trip, answers, "I know your secret Rassilon...I know it..."
Rassilon, noting that Robert may indeed know, quickly jabs Robert with a needle filled with morphine. He continues, "Mr. Hamre, please answer the question asked..."
With drugs interfering with Robert's control, he loses track of Rassilon's secret and begins to cooperate with Rassilon. First, he explains that he did ask, and then he goes on to mention how it was mentioned to him by Shawna. Unfortunetly, Caleb quickly uses the warm side of the force to control Robert and make him state that he was mistaken and it had actually origenated with Leah, and actually was part of a long plot to kill Caleb...Robert goes on and on with details of how they were financed by BadApple, a company that specialized in terrorism and just being a pain in the neck. Eventually, Rassilon stops paying attention and the jurors sneak away to watch what was left of Dawson's Creek...after it was over, the head back into the courtroom but one of them talks about how they can't beleive that so and so kissed someone and Rassilon instantly returns to full awareness. During this time, Caleb and Berryman have been having Robert give out a deposition that could have everyone in the class lynched, but because the jury was gone, it did no good.
Rassilon asks Mr. Hamre to stop talking and Rassilon addresses the Jury, "Where did you bloody gits get those Cheesy Poofs? Those aren't part of your Jury booth survival kits!!! Who snuck out? Nevermind, I'll deal with you later. Now, Mr. Hamre, I do believe you've told us enough, please float over and join the other defendents..."
Suddenly, Amy Langford leaps up, "Hey! Don't we get to cross-examine?"
Rassilon jogs up the steps of the judges chair, "oh, if you must."
Amy walks to the stand and Mr. Hamre accidently loses his happy thought and falls into the witness' stand. Amy quickly gets to the point, "has anything you said been true? Are you not just being controled by Caleb and his Evil Army?"
Caleb yells out, "I object!"
"Quite right, Mr. Davis, no leading the witnesses, Ms. Langford..."
Caleb cuts him off, "I'm not objecting to that...I demand that Amy recognizes that my army is not evil...evil is a point of veiw and I do believe it's slander to call us that!"
Rassilon, taken a bit by surprise, "oh fine, be that way...Amy, you may continue to lead the witness but I must caution you that if you refer to Caleb's forces as evil, I'll have to charge you with contempt."
At this point, another of the defendents stands up and walks to the stand. Rassilon takes off his glasses and has to adjust his telescope before he sees Jessica Totten plotting with Amy below... "Hey! Ms. Totten, do you have something vital to add to this court?"
"Yes, I do...This court is a shame...we all heard Shawna confess earlier and it should be her that's on trial...you have no right to hold this entire class for a crime that they didn't commit...there is no justice here, Caleb is just using this as a way to show off and you're being a meany..."
Rassilon considers what she's saying. Yes, it's true, the court is a shame...and Shawna did confess... Rassilon sits there for a while and then declares a recess. While the court is clearing, Rassilon stops Jessica and asks if she'd like to have a bite to eat...He takes her to a backwater restaurant and buys her a nice meal...afterward, he apologizes for the trial, slips the sleeping pills in her drink and returns the next morning secure in the fact that she won't wake up for another 18 hours...
Suddenly I woke up. It took a few seconds, but I did remember the treachery by our supposedly impartial/neutral Lord Rassilon. Slowly opening my eyes, I noticed that I was back in my seat. The trial had continued without me. I next checked the scores on the Broncoís game. Good, they were winning. My watch told me that I had only slept for 14 hours.
"Hmmmmnnn. I will bet that our <snicker> judge still thinks that I am asleep. Better use this time wisely..." I mumbled to myself.
I planned quickly, bribed a few robots with coconut creme pie. At last all was ready. Caleb looked at his notes, which I had bribed the secretary to add something too moments before.
"I would like to call...uh," with a question in his voice, "Sam Moore to the stand?"
Sam sat down and was sworn in.
"Sam, are you a member of this class?"
"I do not believe so."
"Then why are you here, and why did I call you to the stand?"
"I donít suppose I can answer 'To get some hemlock from the corner druggist?'" he paused whilst Lord Rassilon looked suspiciously back at me. I had known he would so, I had resumed my sleeping pose just in time. Sam continued, "I did not think so. Would it suffice to say I have no idea, I was bribed, and I wouldnít tell you even if I knew? It is all irrelevant anyways, you will all be ahuuuu..."
"Ahh, perfect timing," I thought. The Robot jury had heard the agreed upon cue coming from the mouth of Sam, and jumped out of their seats. As everyone watched they began dancing erotically in pink tutuís. Using the arranged distraction I passed a slip of paper out of my pocket to Caleb.
After discretely reading it, he crumpled it and placed it in his pocket. I think he was laughing. Now all I could do was wait. After several moments Lord Rassilon regains control and the room grows quiet.
"Sam , you are dismissed for now. I would like to call Lord President Rassilon to the stand." Twitters of laughter float across the courtroom.
"Order!" Rassilon yells. He waits until it is again quiet, and then says, "I donít see why not. You are just wasting time, but time is irrelevant anyways, so... in this case I will allow it."
Caleb then shocked the courtroom once more by saying, "I believe that there is someone else here that would like to ,er, prosecute this witness. Would you come forward please?"
I got up and walked forward. As I passed Caleb I whispered, "What kind?"
Rassilon refused to be sworn in.
"Fine then. Youíll at least tell part of the truth?" I asked.
"Possibly." He smiled big.
"Then answer this. I accuse YOU. You were the one who created the page, thus you were the only one to know about it. Thus you were the one to tell another person about it. Am I correct?" The robots cheer for their favorite pie baker.
Jessica's cross-examination was rather disturbing for Rassilon. she was actually somewhat making sense. but mr perry had taught Rassilon well.
"Miss Totten," Rassilon smiled, "I would like to remind you that i am not only the judge, but also the plaintiff. the purpose of this trial is to determine the guilt, innocence, or guilt of each of the defendants. i am not on trial here. if you would like to present your THEORY of my being responsable for the knowledge of my page as grounds for your innocence, that is one thing. but to attempt to make me prosecute myself is near lunacy."
Marquis Hamre stands up at the defendant's bench. "requesting permission to speak, your magnificancy."
"granted." say caleb and Rassilon in complete unison.
Marquis Hamre then tables a perplexing position. "how can Rassilon try the graduating class, yet exempt himself? such behavior is not neutral."
"i've got your answer," annouces caleb, "this isn't Rassilon at all. it's none other than... Red Herring!"
Jessica now thoroughly absorbed in the scooby-doo-ness of this trial, joins the alternate sanity. "lets just see who you really are." she says while pulling on the Rassilon mask.
the jurors gasp as Jessica removes the face of Rassilon and beneath that mask is... Rassilon.
"do you mind?" Rassilon remarks, "i cut my hair, so i've been wearing this mask to keep from being confused with the Luke Matthew Henry Wilson of two years ago who cut his hair and traveled to the future to convince people that i had cut my hair a week before i actually did."
"oh." says Jessica utterly confused.
"in response to your questioning my neutrality," continues Rassilon, "from this point on, i agree to be judge, prosecutor, plaintiff, and a defendant. but miss totten, i feel i should remind you, that as defense attourney, you should be trying to prove my innocence. as prosecutor, i will cross-examine myself after you are finished and see if i can trap myself in a statement which would prove my own guilt. now, please continue."
"er, okay," mutters Jessica, "whom did you tell of your webpage?"
Rassilon[as judge] interjects "i demand you rephrase that question."
"hmmm." ponders Jessica, "to whom did you speak of your webpage?"
"no one," Rassilon[as defendant] says quite smugly.
"might i remind you that you are almost under oath," yells Jessica, "now under threat of threat of perjury, did you speak to anyone about your webpage?"
"no" Rassilon says and smiles quite sadistically.
"your honor," Jessica shrugs, "i have no further questions."
Rassilon[as judge] "would the prosecution like to cross-examine the witness? my this is quite out of order. oh well."
Rassilon[as plaintiff] "yes, i believe that we would. go get him."
Rassilon[as prosecutor] "very well. Judge Lord President Rassilon, if that is your real name, you say you did not speak of your page to anyone?"
Rassilon[as defendant] "that is correct."
Rassilon[as prosecutor] "so you never verbally told anyone of your page?"
Rassilon[as defendant] "no, i did not speak of my page."
Rassilon[as prosecutor] "did you ever give out written information about the exsistance of your page?"
Rassilon[as judge] "mr prosecutor, please rephrase your question in a manner to which e-mail would not be included."
Rassilon[as plaintiff] "hey! that isn't neutral. your taking his side."
Rassilon[as judge] "this is very neutral. there is Rassilon-plaintiff and Rassilon-prosecutor on one side and only Rassilon-defendant on the other. it can only be neutral with a two to two ratio of Rassilons."
Rassilon[as prosecutor] "but look at how many defendants there are. surely the 80 or so of them can equal one Rassilon."
the members of the graduating class who are not currently reading the class trial and as such will not lynch this individual author, hereafter to be refered to as the defendants on the left side of the bench, reel from the profoundness of the statements that the Rassilons have just made. they, now completely lost, begin preparing their statements for their eventual testimony. unfortunately, the left-most defendant breaks his red crayon and begins to cry. hey, not everyone was in calculus!
Rassilon[as judge] "as you were saying?"
Rassilon[as plaintiff] "great! now i have to deal with a biased judge. I'll never get justice."
Rassilon[as judge] "i have justified my neutrality. one more contridictary statement from us and i'll have you/me/us held in contempt."
Rassilon[as prosecutor] "i have no further question."
Rassilon steps down from the witness stand and goes back to the judge's podium/plaintiff's chair/prosecution table/defendant's bench where he sits on the rightmost side.
Jessica sits back down, unsure whether she helped or just made things very confusing. even the robotic jurors are now evenly devided as to which Rassilon to follow. soon they devide into factions and begin a teritorial war in which to pro-Rassilon[as judge] robots conquer one complete chair forcing one of the pro-Rassilon[as defendant] robots to stand for the remainder of the trial.
Rassilon[as judge] "will the prosecution call it's next witness."
Rassilon[as prosecutor] "yes, we would like to call to the stand...miss shawna scott."
The prosecutor, Rassilon, called Shawna Scott to the stand what seems like a year ago, but was in fact only a few months. After weeks of clearing up the meaning of "confession" and days of endless apology, eventually the prosecutor got Shawna just where he wanted her...
"Now Ms. Scott, if that is your real name...I have just one question for you. Which did you like better? The Pepsi or the Cherry Coke?" Rassilon asks very accusingly.
Shawna speaks up, "the pepsi..."
Suddenly the robot jurors are in an uproar. "Pepsi? Off with her head!" one screams while another howls "Her head? I'm not touching that pepsi loving thing!" Rassilon, the judge turns to face them, "Order, order!!!"
Caleb sees his chance, "Milord, I would like Shawna's testimony once again wiped from the record! How can we trust one who prefers the pepsi to the coke?" The psychotic mob of robotic peers calm down just enough to be able to hear the responce.
"In light of these circumstances, I'm afraid that will have to be done..."
Near immediately, Kevin Bulechek lunges for the witness, "You made us wait here 11 months listening to that drivel and now you're going to strike it from the record! I'll kill her!"
Chaos breaks out among the pro-Rassilon jurors, much to the annoyance of the Pro-Rassilon jurors. The bailiff enters, pulls out it's alien probe, and kills the lights. When they come back on, Bulechek suddenly bears a remarkable resemblence to Cartman; the probe is nowhere to be found.
Taking the initiative, Jessica Totten hops over the defendents table and begins to cross examine, but is unfortunetly struck down by lighting and carried away. No one else decided to cross examine.
Rassilon, being extreamly tired from all his jogging about the courtroom. After all, he is a defendent, judge, prosecutor and plaintiff and they all sit in different parts of the room. "the prosecution rests." Rassilon sits down only to run over to the defense bench and stand up again. "the defense would like to call to the stand, Ms. Katherine Annette Bolin."
"To prove my innocence my honor..."
"If you must."
"Very well, now, Miss Bolin,
[End of File]